Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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