I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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