my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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