I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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