need another drink. this is the easiest way
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
