great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
