Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
