Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
