i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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