Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
