i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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