When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
