I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
