I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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