you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
