I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
