cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
