She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
