toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
