chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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