i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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