Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
