hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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