Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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