IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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