I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
