I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
