I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
