How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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