apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
