How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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