I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
