Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
