I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
