she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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