just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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