My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is Oprah even human
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
