apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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