her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
