shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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