at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
