She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
