You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
