Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
