You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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