goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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