omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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