fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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