I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches