Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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