Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
