i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
