yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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