Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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