I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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