I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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