why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
