Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
