I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
